Most people I work with have some level of self-awareness. Some have done therapy, and some have years of reflection and reading of numerous books. They come to me because despite all of that nothing significant in their life has shifted.

What I have come to see is that self-awareness and actual change operate on different tracks. One is more of a cognitive / knowledge level whereas the other is more of identity, which then translates to behavior change

Which is why one can understand ourselves completely but still run the same patterns. Some clients come to me having done therapy, having read books, having journaled extensively, she understands with real clarity why they do the things that they do. If a manager or partner makes a request she doesn’t agree with, she still says yes even though she feels resentful.

Now a clear distinction to make is that most personal development works at a level of insight that is genuinely useful. That is also what I start off with with clients as well for the first few sessions.

However the key thing is that in itself not sufficient. Our patterns do not dissolve just because we understand them but they definitely help us too and it’s part of the journey.

That is why the knowing-doing gap is so persistent in most people. They know what to do, especially my clients who are, by nature, very high functioning. Knowing is not the bottleneck.

What comes after gathering knowledge and understanding? It is about deeply understanding the pattern in real time, catching it as it moves, not just understanding it retrospectively.

That is also why I decided to offer my clients access to me even between sessions because I think that that’s where a lot of the application work, things that we went through during the session, would actually apply.

It is an honest examination of what our patterns are actually protecting when they come up in full force. It is also then us creating response plans on how we ideally want to address them – proactively not reactively when our nervous system has already been activated.

What I’ve learned in this work, on myself and on my clients, is that identity change does occur a little more slowly; however its impact is a lot more sustainable and long-lasting. Identity moves and changes through different mechanisms and in different areas of our lives.

Insight helps us to start but it is by no means where we end.

Which is why if you have done therapy, read the books, reflected on your own significantly, but things still haven’t moved in the way that you expected especially in moments where your threshold or capacity is maxed out.

It’s worth asking which level the work has been happening at and my guess is that it’s usually still on the surface.

Understanding why you are the way you are is the beginning; however becoming someone who has shifted their patterns and upgraded their operating system altogether is a different project.

If something in this post made you pause, that’s usually worth looking at. Learn more about working with Natalie here.