You’ve done the therapy. Read the books. Know your triggers. So why are you still running the same loops?

You’re not someone who avoids self-reflection.

You’ve journaled. Done the personality tests. Read the self-help books. Maybe even tried therapy.

You know your patterns. You can name your triggers. You understand why you react the way you do.

But knowing hasn’t changed anything.

You still people-please then resent it. You still spiral when you get critical feedback. You still sabotage good things because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Different job. Different person. Same problem.

Here’s what most self-aware people get wrong about coaching and what actually changes the pattern (from my experiences and what I observe of my clients):

Myth 1: I already know my issues. I just need to try harder.

Reality: Awareness IS step one. But awareness alone doesn’t rewire the pattern.

You can know exactly why you do something and still do it. Because patterns aren’t logical – they’re neurological and emotional.

Client Example 1:

One client knew she cut people off too quickly. She could trace it back to being “abandoned” by a friend group in JC. She understood the protective mechanism. She’d journaled about it for years.

But the moment someone disappointed her?

Loop: Instant cutoff. Then guilt. Then loneliness. Repeat.

Client Example 2:

Another client knew he tied his self-worth to productivity. His parents praised achievement, so he learned: working = worthy. He understood this intellectually.

But the moment he had downtime?

Loop: Crushing guilt. “I’m lazy. I’m wasting time. I should be doing more.” Even on weekends. Even after hitting targets.

Why knowing doesn’t equal changing:

Your brain runs on old code. And that code was written when you were young, when the pattern actually protected you.

• Cutting people off first = protecting yourself from abandonment
• Working constantly = proving you’re worthy of love
• People-pleasing = keeping the peace so you don’t get scolded
• Avoiding conflict = staying safe when you had no power

These patterns did work for that version of you, in that context. In fact, their function was to protect you.

However, the problem is that you’re not in that context anymore. But your nervous system hasn’t gotten the memo because it prefers to run on the familiarity of what used to work.

I tell my clients this often: What got us here won’t get us there.

What actually creates change:

Not just understanding the pattern but interrupting it in real time.

In my programs, we use a framework (CTFAR: Circumstance → Thought → Feeling → Action → Result) to:

1. Catch the pattern as it’s happening
2. Identify the exact thought triggering the spiral
3. Test a new thought that serves the person you’re becoming
4. Practice the new response until it becomes automatic

The old way: “I know I do this because…” → continues doing it

The new way: “Here’s what I’m going to do differently that helps me to show up as the person I want to be.”

The shift is that we practice the mental reps to rewire our neurons i.e neuroplasticity so we can practice showing up as the person we want to be vs letting our default patterns run the show.

Myth 2: Coaching is for people who need help figuring out their problems but I already know mine.

Reality: You don’t need help identifying the problem. You need help changing your relationship to it which requires tools that are tested, proven to work in the moment and someone to guide you through it when it happens.

Self-aware people don’t need more insight. That is also why I provided text access in my packages so clients can reach me to process something fresh instead of waiting till their next session.

I’ll share 2 examples here – 1 from work and 1 from relationships.

Pattern 1: “I people-please at work then resent everyone”

Client Example 3:

Circumstance: Boss asks you to take on another project

A) Old approach (self-help):

• Why do I do this? Because I learned saying no = conflict = unsafe
• Journal prompt: “When did I first learn this?”
• Affirmation: “My needs matter”
• Result: Still saying yes, still resenting it

B) New approach (coaching):

B1 – We First Identify The Old Pattern:

• Thought: “If I say no, they’ll think I’m not committed”
• Feeling: Anxious, obligated
• Action: Say yes, overcommit, work late, feel resentful
• Result: Burnout, resentment, prove to yourself “my needs don’t matter”

B2 – We Then Practice The New Pattern:

• Thought: “I can check my capacity first before responding. Saying ‘let me review my workload’ is professional, not weak.”
• Feeling: Grounded, in control
• Action: “Let me look at my current priorities and get back to you by EOD”
• Result: More sustainable workload, self-respect

Pattern 2: “I panic when someone important goes quiet on me”

Client Example 4:

Circumstance: Girlfriend uncontactable during trip

A) Old approach (self-help):

• Why do I do this? Fear of abandonment from childhood
• Journal prompt: “When did I first experience abandonment?”
• Affirmation: “I am safe and secure”
• Result: Still panicking when girlfriend goes offline

B) New approach (coaching):

B1 – We First Identify The Old Pattern:

• Thought: “What if she’s not safe? What if she’s pulling away? I’m losing her.”
• Feeling: Debilitating anxiety, grief
• Action: Doomscroll, can’t sleep, can’t eat, write desperate letters, ruminate
• Result: Emotional wreckage, proved “I can’t handle this”

B2 – We Then Practice The New Pattern:

• Thought: “She’s on a trip with limited service. Nothing I worry about changes the outcome. I can reach out to friends instead.”
• Feeling: Uncomfortable but manageable
• Action: Text support system, do something grounding (guitar, exercise), plan for her return
• Result: Anxiety present but not debilitating, faster recovery

The shift in both cases: From knowing the pattern exists to having a playbook for the moment it’s happening and practicing it with a professional till it becomes a habit.

Myth #3: “I’ve tried changing before but it never sticks”

The Reality: Change doesn’t stick when you’re white-knuckling it alone. It sticks when you understand what is the the underlying belief, rewire it and practice the new pattern consistently.

You’ve tried:

• Telling yourself to “just stop” doing the thing
• Willpower (works for 3 days, then you’re exhausted)
• Affirmations (feel fake when you don’t believe them)
• Relying on motivation (disappears the moment life gets hard)

None of this works because you’re trying to override the pattern without addressing the belief underneath.

To make change stick, usually at the 2nd session with my clients, we will work on a Beliefs Audit table that consists of these 4 elements;

1. Identify the belief running the pattern

• Pattern: I work until burnout
• Underlying belief: More inputs = more output. If I slow down, I’ll fail.

2. Trace where the belief came from

Not to blame anyone but to understand when this belief was helpful, so you can decide if it still serves you.

Client Example 5:

• Belief: “I need to be perfect or I’ll disappoint everyone”
• Origin: Parents monitored every report card. Doing well = love. Mistakes = scolding.
• Value then: Kept her safe, got her praise, avoided punishment
• Cost now: Constant anxiety, paralysis, can’t start things unless she knows she’ll excel

3. Evolve the belief to something more nuanced

Not a 180° flip (your brain won’t believe it). A small shift that feels true and more helpful.

• Old: “I need to be perfect or I’ll disappoint everyone”
• Evolved: “Mistakes are part of learning. I can be excellent without being perfect. The people who matter aren’t keeping score.”

4. Practice the new pattern in low-stakes situations first

Like building muscle. You don’t start with the heaviest weight.

• Start with: Setting a small boundary with a friend
• Build to: Setting a boundary with a colleague
• Eventually: Setting a boundary with your manager

5. Track the metrics that matter

Here are some examples of metrics that I set with my clients:

• Time to recovery: Used to ruminate for 4 days → now 1 day → now 4 hours
• Frequency: Triggered 3x/week → 1x/week → 1x/month
• Intensity: Used to spiral to 8/10 → now peaks at 5/10

The Bottom Line

If you’re self-aware but still stuck, the problem isn’t that you don’t understand yourself.

The problem is:

1. You’re trying to think your way out of a nervous system problem
2. You don’t have a real-time playbook for when the pattern shows up
3. You’re doing it alone and change is lonely without support

Coaching isn’t just about discovering your patterns.

It is also about interrupting them, rewiring them, and practicing new ones until they become automatic.

Different job. Different person. Same problem? The pattern is the thing.

And patterns can be rewritten.