After writing about depth and breadth in relationships, the other concept I wanted to write about is the relationship with ourselves vs others.

In my coaching work, this is actually where we spend a lot of time . Underneath all the goals, decisions, habits, tradeoffs, it almost always traces back to how someone relates to themselves.

I often ask clients a simple question: How would you describe your current relationship with yourself?

Many tell me it’s not a question they’ve ever thought of before.

And when they do answer, there’s a pattern: Critical. Hard. Demanding. Supportive only when they’re doing “well.”

If I’m honest, my own answer hasn’t been very different.

For a long time, my relationship with myself was built on pressure.

High standards. Tight expectations. A constant internal push to be better, do more, hold it together.

It looked like discipline, but after doing the inner work on myself, I came to realize that it is more often judgment.

What I’ve noticed (both personally and through my work) is how much energy we put into improving our relationships with others, while rarely tending to the one we’re in every moment of the day.

We learn how to listen better, hold space, how to be patient, encouraging, and understanding.

And yet, inwardly, many of us are endlessly critical, sharp and impatient.

Lately, I’ve been learning from my own inner work with my coach that evolving my relationship with myself doesn’t mean becoming softer or less driven.

It means becoming kinder and fairer to myself, meeting myself with honesty without harshness and allowing more rest without guilt.

Because the relationship we have with ourselves quietly sets the tone for how we show up everywhere else – in our work, our relationships, and the lives we’re trying to build.

Question to think about:

What is your current relationship with yourself and how would you like to evolve it?