Something kept surfacing in my recent 1-1 coaching sessions as people looked back on 2025 and planned for 2026: the desire to improve their friendships.

It got me thinking about something Sahil Bloom talked about recently on ambivalent relationships. Those friendships where you’re not sure if you feel better or worse after hanging out.

The ones you maintain because of shared history but the conversations seem to reflect exactly that – being stuck reminiscing about the past or talking about people from the past. 

My observation is that most of our adult friendships came from school or work. We became friends because we sat next to each other in class or grabbed lunch between meetings.

But then we grow, evolve and start to want different things. 

Or we could just be in completely different life stages – one person is climbing the corporate ladder while the other is questioning the whole game.

One is single and spontaneous while one has to be home by 9pm with a toddler.

Nobody did anything wrong. People just… diverged.

I think this is why so many people feel lonely even when they have plenty of “friends” – we can be surrounded by people but do not feel understood or seen.

On what to do about it – I tell my clients 2 things. The first is being intentional which means getting clear on who you are and where you’re going.

It is hard for us to attract aligned friendships if we are not even clear on what alignment even means for you.

What do I value now? What kind of life do I want to be building? What lights me up?

Once we have some clarity there, the second part is increasing the surface area. Putting yourself in places where people who share those values actually are.

Joining that book club or gym. Showing up to that meetup. Starting that side project. Saying yes to the coffee invitation even when it feels awkward.

Intentional friendships don’t just happen. We have to create the conditions for them.

I’m still figuring this out myself. I do count my lucky stars to have joined a gym with my partner a few years back – the goal was to increase our fitness levels but as a by-product we happen to meet a group of like-minded people. We became close enough that some of us even travel together nowadays. 

In summary, I think it is worth acknowledging that adult friendships take work, that it’s okay to outgrow people, and that we deserve connections that energize us rather than deplete us.

That feels like a good place to start.